I am okay without. There is a space I always tried to fill. An emptiness.
I needed a love, an obsession. A to do list. A plan. A trip. Something to rebel. Drama even. Something to feel bad about, to improve. Something to proof. Create something to fill the space. Buy things Udon’t need, chasing high standards that are only there to keep us busy.
But maybe it is good. Maybe it is an emptiness that does not need to be filled. Maybe it is there to be left wide open. Maybe it is supposed to be our soft spot that allows us to recieve. A space that allows life to rush in.
We keep looking like lunatics to find things to fill it with, instead of just staying open, ready to recieve. We like so much to control what comes in and out as if we know better than life what is good for us.
Maybe this emptiness inside is supposed to be a sursprise.
And you can stop calling it empty when you see how much is actually there. How much is moving in the part of life that is not up to us.
For once, I am not looking for anything to fill my life up. No project, nothing to keep busy, nothing to get angry at, no spending money to distract myself. No complaining. I let it be. And I feel so alive. This space is life itself.
Instead of trying to be on top of it, I am just in it. Rolling with it, working with whatever comes my way. And then there is music, guidance from the strangest places. People that come in and change everyting.
I used to fill up my time. Have a to do list in case I got bored. Fill days on the planner. Prepare. Every night needed to have something to do. Now I trust that it will fill itself, because there is an abundance in me that does need planning. It simply is. I simply stay connected to an intention. I trust that this little magnificent life will keep going without me carefully constructing it. I will care for it, even more deeply then before, but I am so over the control and the rigidity. I will take responsibility for my part, even more deeply than before, while I also sit back and see the universe show up to do her part.
I can be spontaneous and trust that it will still be beneficial for my life. Not knowing what I do until I do it, not knowing what I will say until I say it, not knowing what I need until I feel it. I can heal and feel joy at the same time. I have done the work and now I can play. Build. Be. Free.
And maybe we can stop making life a test, and live a little. Go all in, because we have nothing to lose, if we lose there is still plenty.
That is what the empty space is all about, it is simply room to play. And it is endless.